PS 3531 
.fl28 L4 
1916 
Copy 







T. S. DENI50N & COMPANY 

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THE LAUGHING CURE 



A COMEDY IN TWO ACTS 



BY 

EDITH F. A. U. PAINTON 

AUTHOR OF 

'As a Woman Tlmiketh," "A Bums Rebellion," "The Class Ship, 

"Clubbing a Husband," "The Graduate's Choice," "Hypnotizing 

a Hypnotist," "A Prairie Rose," "Wanted: A Cook," "The 

Winning Widow," "The Commencement Manual," etc. 



DEDICATED TO 

DR. GEORGE WASHINGTON CAREY 

The "St. George" ot many a modern dragon, and the 

faithful friend of the author 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



The Laughing Cure 



CHARACTERS. 

Dr. St. George Carey, a Mode^'ji Invention 

Who Turns the Trick 

Jimmie Mason, Mrs. Hanson's Brother 

Who Knozcs His Sister 

Dr. Whitcomb A Physician of the Old School 

Clarke Hanson, a Man of Business 

Useful But Not Important 

Laura Hanson, His Wife With No Sense of Humor 

Gay Hanson, His Sister .... Who Lives Up to Her Name 
Kitty Clyde, His Stenographer 

Who Has an Eye for Jimmie 

Mary Ellen Perry, a Neighbor 

Of the Auntie Doleful School 

NoRAH, the Maid Who Catches the Fever 



Time — Today. 



Place — Here. 



Time of Playing — One Hundred Laughs — One a Minute. 



SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. The Hansons Depressed. Morning-, The Diag- 
nosis. 

Act H. The Hansons Obsessed. Afternoon. The Treat- 
ment. 



copyright, 1916, BY EBEN H. NORRIS. A - ^^ 

g)C!,D 45204 WO ^ 

OCr /8/9;6 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 



CHARACTERISTICS AND COSTUMES. 

Hanson — Ordinary business man, up-to-date, but rusty, 
through too little recreation. Responds readily to the ''laugh- 
ing cure" and is a jolly, loving husband and a "good fellow" 
all around. About thirty-six. Business suit. 

JiMMiE — Boyish, care-free boy, about twenty. Some- 
what dudish in appearance. Very susceptible to the "girl" 
element, and sentimentally inclined. 

Whitcomb — Large, prosperous and dignified, not too 
"set" to resist the assault of his nephew's modernity. Well 
dressed and somewhat imposing, upholding the "dignity of 
the profession" in his make-up throughout. 

Carey — An up-to-date student, decided, firm and sure 
of himself. A "jolly good fellow" at all times, meeting 
each on his own ground, but taking his philosophy very 
seriously, and with a sincere faith in his "glad gospel." 
His serious speeches must be brought out very strong and 
impressively, in contrast to those of lighter vein. Well 
dressed but not flashily. 

Laura — Negligee, as befits an "invalid," but very dainty 
and tasteful, as she must win the favor of the audience 
at once, in spite of her gloomy outlook. This is the hardest 
part in the play and needs much rehearsing. Her gradual 
conversion and "cure" must be carefully brought out. Her 
"practice" scenes, both with the doctor and alone, need 
very thorough preparation. 

Gay — Tall and dark, tastefuly 'dressed in home attire. 
Sweet and lovable, bubbHng over with love of life. 

Kitty — Small and blonde, in contrast to Gay; jolly and 
charming. Street costume in both acts. 

NoRAH — Housemaid's cap and apron. 

Mrs. Perry — Black costume throughout, ludicrous bon- 
net. Carries air of gloom. Must absolutely refuse to smile 
till the last line, when her conversion comes as a startling 
surprise to all. A death's head throughout. 



4 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

DR. CAREY'S MAXIMS. 

Twelve to the Dozen. 

1. "I can always trust a man who dares to laugh. It's 
the Lord-of-Heaven in him gushing forth." 

2. "Smiling's good; to 'keep smiling' is better; but laugh- 
ing's best. Stop smiling every half hour, long enough to 
laugh." 

3. "Laughter re-creates what the Almighty has started 
to make out of us." 

4. "A giggle is mere affectation in masquerade costume, 
donned with deliberate intent to deceive and mislead. An 
honest laugh never comes in disguise." 

5. "Laughter, pure and unadulterated, is bottled life — 
pull the cork and it effervesces. It's more exhilarating 
than champagne, but never intoxicates." 

6. "Life is a joke — a huge joke — whether it's on us or 
the other fellow ; and when we can see it — well, then, it 
isn't on us." 

7. "There's no drug in all the world's laboratories to 
equal in true remedial potency the magic quintessence of 
a spontaneous laugh." 

8. "Instead of worrying because you can't find anything 
to worry about, laugh because you can't find anything to 
laugh about." 

9. "There's no trouble of brain or body that a good, 
hearty laugh, if persistently taken according to directions, 
will not cure." 

10. "The laughing microbe is the liveliest bug bacteri- 
ology knows. Talk about spreading. The pesky Httle 
germs are grandfathers in ten minutes, and every blessed 
one infects an area a mile square. They break out in the 
form of giggles, even to the third and fourth, generation." 

11. "Laughing — in big doses — is the best beauty dope 
on the market. Regularly applied, both internally and ex- 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 5 

ternally, I guarantee it to remove every wrinkle from both 
brow and brain." 

12. ''Laughter is the vibration of angel voices coming 
down to us over the telephone wires that stretch from 
heaven to earth. It's the one magnetic line that connects 
us with eternal joy." 



THE STORY. 

Laura Hanson has had the misfortune to be born "with- 
out a sense of humor," much to the distress of herself and 
all about her. Her mental attitude leads to chronic dyspep- 
sia, and her physician places the case with his nephew, St. 
George Carey, a fresh arrival from college, who prescribes 
"One laugh regularly every thirty minutes" as a sure cure 
for her trouble. Her difficulties in taking the "treatment" 
are gradually Overcome and all the family assist in admin- 
istering the dose according to directions. In the meantime 
Mr. Hanson, who has almost forgotten how to laugh, has 
confided to his clerks the method of treatment she is under- 
going, and the story spreads throughout the town, until 
every man, woman and child is laughing with her, to the 
consternation of her doleful friend, Mrs. Perry, but the 
complete satisfaction of her own household and the physi- 
cians interested. 



SYNOPSIS FOR PROGRAM. 

Act I — The Hansons are discouraged over the condition 
of Mrs. Hanson's health, and Jimmie expresses his disdain 
of her "lack of a sense of humor." "Methodist Episcopal 
Perry." Mrs. Perry comes to cheer Mrs. Llanson and pre- 
pare her for the end. Jimmie gives Dr. Carey a tip and the 
doctor prescribes his novel remedy. "But, doctor, I never 
laugh." The first dose is administered, and the doctor 
performs for the amusement of his patient with discour- 
aging effect. "You're funny, aren't you ?" Jimmie and Gay 



6 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

join in the "best joke of the season," and agree to assist 
in the treatment. "One, two, three, go!" 

Act II — Mr. Hanson is shocked by his wife's pecuhar 
conduct and thinks her either intoxicated or deUrious. 
Norah responds to the treatment and agrees to turn herself 
into an ''alarm clock." Mrs. Perry is worried over the 
matter. The doctor explains the situation to Mr. Hanson 
and Kitty does her share of "instructing" in the gentle art 
of laughing. The talk of the town. Treatment concludes 
in triumph by Dr. Whitcomb's approval of the results ob- 
tained, and Mrs. Perry is "converted" to the laughing gos- 
pel, even against her will. "He who laughs most, laughs 
best." 



PROPERTIES. 

Act I — Newspaper and cigar for Hanson. Medicine case 
and pencil for Carey and Whitcomb. 

Act II — Vase of white flowers, tied with black ribbon, 
for Gay. Red flower. Mirror for Jimmie. Chair for 
Norah and Jimmie. Bonnet for Mrs. Perry. Watch for 
Carey and Jimmie. Violets for Jimmie. Note for Norah 
and Laura. Handkerchief for Kitty. 



NOTE FOR PRODUCER. 

Of course, the object of this is to "put the laugh over 
the footlights," and the main thing is to carry the practice 
stunts far enough to win the laugh, but to stop them at 
the right moment to avoid being a bore. Each climax 
should bring the audience to a roar, and then — stop short. 
No character is more important than that of Mrs. Perry. 
Nothing will be more calculated to amuse the audience 
and send them home talking about the cHmax than her final 
conversion. Work up to this wed and emphasize it. 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 



STAGE SETTING. 



Dining-Room. 
Archway 
' with 



n m: 1 witti I r\ 

|i 'I Fireplace Curtains Place for Mirror' \ 

Chair a with in Act I I \ 

Mantel J- 

Doorto no 

Entrance-Hall _ _ , r-, ^ 

/□/-^Centre Table Rocker U /-^ 

«-^-On,,,,,, Lounge^/ 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage; C, center; R. C, right center; 
L., left; 1 E., first entrance; U . E., upper entrance; R. 3 E., 
right entrance, upstage, etc.; R. D., right door; L. D., left 
door, etc. ; D. F., door in flat or back of the stage ; up-stage, 
away from footlights, down-stage, near footlights ; 1 C, 
first groove, etc. The actor is supposed to be facing the 
audience. 



The Laughing Cure 



Act I. 

Scene: Living room of the Hanson home. As elabo- 
rately and elegantly furnished as taste and facilities of the 
producer permit. Archzvay at center-hack, wiih portieres, 
leading to dining room; may disclose dining-tahle in rear 
if convenient. Door at left, leading to other part of house. 
Door at right, leading to outer hall. Fireplace with mantel 
at hack, right of center. Lounge across left front, corner- 
wise. Center table at right-front, zvith rocker on each side. 
Rocker also at head of lounge, another in front of fireplace. 
Flowers and man's hat on tahle. Lights fidl on. Slow, sad 
music takes up curtain. Time, morning. 

Clarke Hanson discovered at right of tahle, reading 
newspaper. Now and then stirs and looks uneasily toward 
L. After a moment throws down paper, rises and paces 
floor, finally goes up, pauses hy fireplace, lights cigar hut 
forgets to smoke it, staring dejectedly into fire. Gives long, 
discouraged sigh as Dr. Whitcomb enters, L., zvith medi- 
cine case. Hanson throws cigar in grate and whirls to 
face the doctor, meeting him at C. 

Hanson (eagerly). How do you find her, doctor? 

Whitcomb (shaking head dejectedly). Pretty bad, Han- 
son ; pretty bad. The worst of it is, I can't get hold of the 
case at all. There seems no organic difficulty, but — 

Hanson. That's it; that's it; just what they all say; 
but— 

Whitcomb. I'm leaving town tonight, too. 

Hanson (frightened). What? 

Whitcomb. Vacation. Must have it. But my nephew's 
got some fire to him. I'm leaving him in charge. 

Hanson (in disgust). Nephew? 

Whitcomb. Yes — St. George Carey — my sister's boy. 
Just out of college, you know, and next to all the new fads 

8 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 9 

and isms. I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that he'll sift this 
trouble of your wife's to the bottom. 

Hanson. H'm! If he does — 

Whitcomb {walking right). Take my word for it; he 
will. He's a genius. I've got no end of faith in the kid. 
'(At door, turns.) I've left a prescription, and — 

Hanson. Isn't Mrs. Hanson — 

Whitcomb. Up? Oh, yes; she's coming down. But — 
don't worry her. She's nervous, and — (takes hat from 
table). 

Hanson (zvith gesture of impatience). Don't I know it? 
Nothing but a — 

Enter Laura Hanson,, L. 

Laura (in whining, ''inralid" tone). Still here, doctor? 
I — I — I just wanted to see Clarke a minute before he left 
for town. But — (looks uneasily from one to the other, as 
though zvondering zvhat they zvere discussing). 

Whitcomb. Just going. I'll send St. George over this 
morning to look you over, and I've a notion he'll stir things 
up a little. Good morning. 

Hanson and Laura (together). Good morning. (Exit 
Whitcomb. Hanson and Laura sit lounge.) 

Hanson. And what did the doctor say, Laura? 

Laura. He said — he said — why, what did he say to you ? 

Hanson. He said — he said — why, not much of any- 
thing. 

Laura (sighing). Just like a doctor. They never do. 
(Great noise out C. Jumps and puts finger in ears. Han- 
son jumps up, looking C.) What is that noise? 

Hanson. Sounds Hke Jimmie. 

Enter Jimmie, noisily, C. 

Hanson. 'Sh ! 

Jimmie. Nix on the hush ! This grave's enough to make 
the liveliest fellow in Kingdom Come enter the eternal si- 
lence. (Comes dozvn to hAVRA.) Matter, Sis? (Sits. Han- 
son walks table, looks down.) 



10 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

Laura. Same old thing, Jimmie. (Jimmie zvhistles 
loudly.) Dear, me! What a noisy brother! 

Jimmie (in pretended protest and amazement). Me 
noisy? Me? Not guilty. I'm as quiet as a mouse fast 
asleep. Noisy? Why, Laura! (Teasingly.) 

hAVRA (innocently). But, Jimmie, you are. Why, you — 

Jimmie (rising in despair and groaning loudly). Oh, 
Lord, Laura, if you only had a sense of humor! 

Hanson (turning to him sharply). Don't worry her, 
Jimmie. She's so nervous and unstrung and out of sorts 
this morning that — 

Jimmie. This morning? Humph! More than usual? 

Hanson (sternly). Jimmie! 

Jimmie (walking dozvn to him). Can't help it, Clarke. 
She was my sister before she was your wife, and I just 
know that if she would perk up a little and act a little bit 
human — 

Laura (reproachfully). Human? Oh, Jimmie! 

Hai<!SON (angrily). That will do, young man ! She is my 
wife now, whosever sister she may have had the misfor- 
tune to be born — 

Jimmie (drops into chair at left of table). Squelched — 
good and proper! (Fans self zmth nezvspaper a minute, 
then jumps up.) I say, Laura, where's Gay? 

Laura. In the dining room, I think. She was going to 
write a letter — 

Jimmie (jealously). To whom? 

Laura. Well, really, I didn't ask her. I didn't con- 
sider — 

Hanson (coming to lounge). I'm off, Laura. (Looks 
watch.) Late now. Take care of yourself, and — 

Laura (complainingly). I'll try, Clarke. But — oh, no- 
body knows 'how I suffer ! 

Jimmie. And nobody knows how everybody else suffers 
when you — (Hanson glares at him and he stops abruptly, 
acting frightened.) I'm off, too, Laura. Dining room, did 
you say? (Exits C, whistling.) 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 11 

Laura (looking after him and sighing) If Jimmie only 
had some consideration for — 

Hanson. I know. It's tough on you, dear, but — (laugh- 
ter out C.) boys will be boys. Once I, myself — (stops short 
and sighs) — ^but I must go. Be good. 

Laura (taking him literally). Good? Why, Clarke, you 
know I'm always good. I was brought up — 

Hanson (a little impatient at her obtuseness). Of course, 
dear. I know. I didn't mean — (kisses her abruptly). 
Good bye. (Hurries out R.) 

Laura (calls after him). Good bye. Come home early. 
(Rises.) I guess I'll go — 

Enter Gay and Jimmie, C.y laughing. 

Gay. Oh, Laura! Jimmie and I have got just the love- 
liest plan! Haven't we, Jimmie? (They come dozvn.) 

Jimmie. Take it from me. A humdinger! 

Gay (a little troubled). If only Kitty — 

Jimmie. Hang Kitty! (Laura and Gay catch their 
breath and he hastens to add — ) Bless Kitty! She always 
does exactly what I want her to. If she — 

Laura (sitting). But the plan — ? 

Gay. Oh, Laura ! It's just too splendid. Why, we can 
just — 

Jimmie. Can't we, though? And Gay promised to give 
me eight — 

Gay. Eight nothing, Jimmie Mason ! It was only three. 
(Counts on fingers.) One, two, three, little boy. 

Jimmie. I was going to say 8 minus 5, if you hadn't been 
so rude as to interrupt and — 

Laura (shocked). Oh, Jimmie ! How can you say "rude" 
to Gay? It isn't — 

Jimmie. Rude, isn't it, Sis? I plead guilty. Gay, and 
sentence you to — (Grabs her and zvhistles wait.:; air, zvaltz- 
ing her around room to several measures, finally bringing 
her to lounge.) Now will you be good? 

Laura. Why, really, Jimmie, it seems to me — 

Gay. But isn't it great to — oh, what a joke if — 



12 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

JiMMiE. 'Sh! Don't mention a joke, Gay. That's some- 
Ihing- that Laura never saw in her life. 

Gay. Why, Jimmie Mason! 

JiMMiE. Fact! I'm just as 'shamed of it as she is. It's 
rather a — er — blight on the family record — a ''blot on the 
'scutcheon," don't you know, and — mental deformity — {hell 
rings) — somebody's coming. {Tries to peep out R.) 

Gay. Bet it's Kitty now. 

Jimmie. No such luck. She couldn't leave the office. 

Gay. But our plan, Laura. You haven't heard — 

Jimmie {crossing to them). Yes, our plan. Sis — the best 
ever — 

Enter Norah. R. 

NoRAH. A card, mum. 

Jimmie {crossing to her). Let me see, mum. {Reads.) 
Mrs. M. E. Perry — Methodist Episcopal Perry — as I live! 

"L AVRA {pained). Jimmie! Jimmie! How can you? 

Gay. Jimmie, don't. 

Jimmie. Not Jimmie Don't — but Jimmie Mason. What 
does M. E. stand for, then? Just plain "Me"? It's always 
meant "Methodist Episcopal" to me. 

Laura. It's "Mary Ellen," of course. Show her in, 
Norah. 

Norah (curtseying). Yis, mum. {Eyes Jimmie with 
admiration.) Sure it's the bright b'ye he is, jist. (Exits R.) 

Jimmie. Yes, always open the door to the church. 

Enter Mary Ellen Perry, R. 

Mrs. Perry. I didn't know that you were able to see any 
visitors, Mrs. Hanson ; but Norah said to come — oh, you 
poor thing! How bad you look! (Crosses to her.) 

Jimmie {imitating her). Don't she, Mrs. Perry? And 
how sad you look! 

Mrs. Perry {resenting his mockery). What? Sad? I — 
why, Mr. Mason, I don't — 

Jimmie. Excuse me, Mrs. Perry. I should have said — 
how mad you look! {She turns on him angrily, glaring 
fiercely, hut stammers for a word. He laughs teasingly.) 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 13 

Come. Gay, let's you 'n me go, while going's good. (E.rif 
C, hurrying Gay off zvith him.) 

Laura {grieved). Don't mind him, Mrs. Perry. He's 
just — Jimmie. He never seems to have any time to think 
of anybody or anything but his own foolishness. Sit down. 
You'll excuse me for not rising. 

Mrs. Perry {mollified, sits chair at head of lounge). Of 
course. You poor thing! I just told Mr. Perry at break- 
fast that I was coming right over to see you before I did 
another thing. I dreamed last night that you were dead, 
and we were all at the funeral. 

Laura. Dead? Oh, how horrible! 

Mrs. Perry. Yes ; but of course it's only what every- 
body's been expecting for so long. You've been enjoying 
poor health a long time now. You can't expect to hold on 
forever. Sometime, poor soul, before you know it, the 
cord will snap, and then — where will you be? Somehow I 
feel that it must be coming to pass very soon now — sooner 
than you think. My dream must .have been a warning. 
There you lay — so stiff and white and cold — your hands 
across your breast — 

Laura {covers eyes). Oh, don't, Mrs. Perry! Don't! 

Mrs. Perry. And now, to come to see you, and find 
you so pale and thin and trembhng — I tell you, Mrs. Han- 
son, it's just a warning — a clear warning. Why, Mr. Perry 
had a sister once that looked just like you. I've often said 
to Mr. Perry, "How much Mrs. Hanson looks like Myra" — 
Myra was her name. We all thought she would sometime 
get to be as well and handsome as any of us, but — she was 
always ailing, just like you. One night I dreamed she was 
dead, just like last night about you. Well, Mrs. Hanson, 
you may believe it or not, but the very next day she took 
to her bed, and in less than* a week was gone — alas ! — never 
to return! I think you ought to be prepared for the worst, 
Mrs. Hanson — I really do. 

Laura. But I don't seem to get any worse, Mrs. Perry. 

Mrs. Perry. Sure you don't. Neither did she. But you 
never seem to get any better, and — neither did she. I had 



14 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

my dream, and — well, she passed away, seemingly in a min- 
ute, without any further warning. You certainly are paler 
than when I saw you last, and I don't believe you weigh 
within twenty pounds as much. 

Laura (frightened). Oh, do you think — 

Mrs. Perry. I don't think. I know! I've seen too many 
just such cases not to know. And I think you ought to be 
prepared, and that it's my duty, as a friend and neighbor, 
to prepare you. And as I told Mr. Perry at the breakfast 
table, "That poor woman needs cheering up," says I, "for 
anybody with half an eye can see she's not long for this 
world. And I'm going right over to carry her what conso- 
lation I can." So here I be, Mrs. Hanson, and I hope I've 
done you good. But I must go on. (Rises.) I've got some 
shopping to do — such pretty things are being sold so cheap 
now. Too bad you'll never be needing to think of those 
things any more. (Laughter out L. Laura jumps ner- 
vously.) It must be hard on you having such thoughtless 
young people in the house — and you with one foot in the 
grave. But that's what I always say. Nobody cares any- 
thing for anybody else in this world. The sooner sick folks 
are dead and out of the way, the better. 

Laura. But they seem very fond of me, Mrs. Perry. 

Mrs. Perry. Seem? Yes, it's easy to seem. But the 
grass won't be more'n started over your head till you'll be 
entirely forgotten, and your place better filled by. somebody 
else. (Sighs.) That's the way of the world. 

Laura. Oh, Mrs. Perry, I'm sure Mr. Hanson would 
never — • 

Mrs. Perry. Oh, wouldn't he ? Don't you ever think he 
wouldn't! Men are all alike. As I told Mr. Perry just this 
morning, "Once Mrs. Hanson is gone — and she's going 
fast," says I, "Mr. Hanson will spruce up again and have 
some life about him. That red-haired stenographer will — " 

Laura (rising). What? 

Mrs. Perry (uneasily). Well, maybe I hadn't better say 
any more. 'Tain't none o' my business. But as I says to 
Mr. Perry, "Jake," says I, "any time you want a bright and 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 15 

pretty girl like that hanging around your office, you'll have 
to get me under the sod first !" That's just what I said to 
him, word for word. I snumb ! There she comes now. 

Enter Kitty, R. 

Kitty. Good morning, Mrs. Hanson. 

Laura. Good morning, Kitty. This is Mrs. Perry, 
Kitty. Have you met her ? , Miss Clyde, Mrs. Perry. (Kitty 
shakes hands with Mrs. Perry, Mrs. Perry wincing and 
trying to pull her hand azvay.) 

Mrs. Perry. O-o-o-h ! (Kitty releases her, laughing. 
Mrs. Perry sits ruhhing hand.) Got a gripping way with 
you, young lady. 

Kitty. It's the way I take to "catch on." See? {Turns 
to Laura.) I had an errand out this way, Mrs. Hanson, 
and Mr. Hanson asked me to stop and see how you were 
getting along. 

Laura. It's nice of you to run in, Kitty. {Sits lounge, 
pulling skirts aside to make room for Kitty, zvho sits he- 
side her.) I'm — I'm not very well, Kitty. Worse, I think. 

Kitty. Mr. Hanson is so worried about you. 

Mrs. Perry {eyeing her disapprovingly). Must be! 

Kitty {emphatically) . He is! He can hardly attend to 
business this morning. 

Laura. Poor Clarke! 

Kitty. Yes,. he used to be so jolly and jovial; now he 
is so sober and serious. He doesn't seem like the same man. 
I do wish you'd get well, Mrs. Hanson, for his sake as well 
as your own. 

Mrs. Perry {sarcastically). Are you sure, Miss Clyde? 

Kitty. Sure ? Why, what a question ! Don't you ? 

Mrs. Perry. I? Why, certainly. But I have no reason 
to— 

Kitty. What is she driving at, Mrs. Hanson? {Rises.) 
I am positively, absolutely, irrevocably and eternally sure. 
Is that enough? If not — 

Mrs. Perry {uneasily). Oh, yes! Yes! Quite so! 

Kitty {imitating her). Are you sure? 

Mrs. Perry {nervously). Oh, yes! Yes! Quite so! 



16 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

Kitty (laughing) . I think so, myself. Where's Jimmie, 
Mrs. Hanson? (Walks up C.) 

Laura. In the dining room, I think. Kitty is going to 
marry my brother Jimmie, you know, Mrs. Perry. (Mrs. 
Perry sniffs disdainfully.) You'd better watch him, Kitty. 
He's considerably taken up with Gay just now. 

Kitty (oz/er shoulder). He's welcome. So's she. Can't 
make me jealous. I know my Jimmie. 

Enter Jimmie, C. They meet just inside archway. 

Jimmie. Thank you, Kitty-cat. How's my girl? (Tak- 
ing her hands.) 

Kitty. Dandy! How's Gay, you false, deceitful male 
creature ? 

Jimmie. Swell! That's the time when the old chestnut 
about eavesdroppers didn't shell out right, eh ? 

Kitty. You bet! 

Jimmie. Come on, Kitten ; we've been wishing for you. 
Got the greatest plan! (Leads her out C.) 

Mrs. Perry. She's even prettier than I thought. (Rises.) 
I don't suppose I can ask you to visit me ever again in this 
world, Mrs. Hanson. Well, we all have to die sometime. 
I'll come in and cheer you up as often as I can. Don't get 
up. I'll find my way out. (Exits R.) 

Pause. Laura weeps. Enter Gay, C. 

Gay. Has she gone, Laura? 
Laura. Yes. Boo-hoo-hoo ! 

Gay. Why, what — (pause. Gay runs to her.) What- 
ever is the matter, Laura? 

Enter Jimmie, R. Looks out R., kissing hand, zvaving R. 

Jimmie. Bye Bye, honey. (Crosses to lounge.) 

Laura. Oh, Gay! Jimmie! I'm going to die! Did you 
know — 

Gay. Die? Oh, don't do that, Laura. Please don't. 
Wait till— 

Jimmie. That's the last thing I'll ever do, I can tell you 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 17 

that. And you haven't any right to use us that way, Sis. 
'Twouldn't be doing the fair thing to run in a funeral on 
us, when we want — (Laura sobs.) Why, Laura, are you 
serious ? Do you mean this ? Do you really feel — 

Laura. Yes, I am, and I do, and I — help me upstairs, 
Gay, will you? I don't want to see another single soul till 
I get used to this. (Rises, holding out hands to Gay.) 

Gay. Of course I will. 

JiMMiE. But look here. Sis; if you think we're going to 
let you die just whenever you take a good notion, you've 
got another think coming, hasn't she. Gay? 

Gay (helping her out L.). Should say so. Careful, 
Laura. (Exeunt Gay and Laura, L.) 

JiMMiE. Whatever did that Auntie Doleful spring on 
her to give her any such notions ? Plague take a fool woman, 
anyway! Half of 'em's fooHsh and the other half crazy. 

Enter Nor ah, R. 
NoRAH. Dr. Carey, sir. 

Enter Dr. Carey. Exit Norah. 

Carey. Good morning — why, if it isn't Jimmie Mason. 

JiMMiE (shaking hands). St. George Carey, as I'm a 
sinner! Who'd ever have expected to find you prowling 
around this neck of the woods ! Whence cometh thou, brave 
stranger, and whither art thou bound? 

Carey. I'm here to see Mrs. Hanson. Is she — 

Jimmie. My sister. 

Carey. So ? Good ! Perhaps, then, you can give me 
some idea of her case. Uncle seems to be floored entirely 
by the peculiar symptoms. 

Jimmie. Peculiar nothing. Sit down, Carey. (Motions 
to chair on right of table and Carey sits, Jimmie sitting 
left of table.) I'm mighty glad you are here on this case. 
I believe you're the boy that can turn the winning trick. 
Look here, St. George. There's not a darn thing the matter 
with my sister. 

Carey. What ? 

Jimmie. Fact ! Chronic indigestion, dumps, nerves and 



18 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

all that — nothing else. And she's allowed herself to get so 
blooming despondent and morbid and — oh, well, you know 
how it goes. I'm no doctor, but I know my sister. 

Carey. I see. (Thinks deeply.) 

JiMMiE. Settled melancholy, and a desperate dose of 
blues — and there you've got the sum total of the ''peculiar 
symptoms." If you can knock that — and I've got a hunch 
that you can — the jig's up. 

Carey. Mostly imagination, then — pure, unadulterated 
gloom. 

JiMMiE. Surest thing in the world! According to the 
astrologers she was born on a Saturn hour of a Saturn day, 
in the Saturn month of a Saturn year — with, Saturn rising! 
— can you beat it ? Saturnine to a finish ! 

Carey. A mental case. Needs psychology more than 
physics. 

Jimmie (laughs heartily). You're the candy kid! I'm no 
end glad you've come, Carey. I love my sister — heartless 
as I may seem to the rest of the family — and you may trust 
me — 

Carey. I can always trust a man who dares to laugh. 
It's the Lord-of-Heaven in him gushing forth. (Rises, ex- 
tending hand, zvJiich Jimmie rises and grasps across table.) 
Thanks for the tip, old fellow. We'll knock this dyspepsia 
into a cocked hat. Where is the patient? 

Jimmie. I'll bring her. (Exits L.) 

Carey (zvalking to fireplace). It will certainly be a bright 
red feather in my cap if I can get hold of this. Uncle sets 
great store by — 

Enter Gay, C. 

Carey. Mrs. Hanson, I beheve? 

Gay. Don't believe it any longer, sir. I'm only Miss 
Hanson — Mr. Hanson's sister. 

Carey (admiringly). Only! 

Gay. I'm just Gay. 

Carey. Glad to hear that. We can't be too gay in this 
gloomy old world. 

Gay. I mean — / am Gay! 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 19 

Carey. Yes, I understand perfectly. Mrs. Hanson isn't. 
You are. 

Gay. No, no! Mrs. Hanson's Laura. I'm Gay. Now 
YOU understand it. My name is Gay. 

Carey. Well, it's all right, too, to have a gay name. It 
gives one something to live up to. Shakespeare says, 
"What's in a name?" I say, '^Everything." With an inspir- 
ing name, we are inspired ; with a depressing name, we are 
dragged down. See? My name is Carey — see? I carry 
everything before me. If not too forward for first meeting, 
may I ask what your gay name is? 

Gay. It's Gay. 

Carey. Yes, you said it was gay; but just what? 

Gay. Why, I've told you over and over and over. It's 
Gay. (He stares at her, pu^^zled.) Gay — G-a-y! 

Carey (laughs). I see. That's one on me. G-a-y, Gay. 
Enter Jimmie and Laura, L. 

Jimmie. Here is my sister, Carey. 

Laura (at lounge). And you are Dr. Carey? (Sits.) 

Carey. The same. 

Jimmie (hand on Gay's shoulder). No poaching, Carey. 

Gay. Nonsense. 

Carey. Hands off, eh ? 

Jimmie. You've guessed it. Have all the fun you want, 
but don't get Gay. 

Carey. I see. Trot away, then, and take the temptation 
out of my sight. (Exeunt Jimmie and Gay, C.) 

Laura. I am glad to meet you. Dr. Carey. But I am 
afraid you have come too late to do me any good. 

Carey. Nonsense. It's "never too late to mend." 

Laura. Maybe not. But — the case seems hopeless to me. 

Carey. You have the blues, Mrs. Hanson. I can see 
that — a malady I never permit my patients to indulge in. 
Let me look at your eyes — blue; your tongue — blue; your 
pulse — blue. Yes, the very air around you is blue. Now 
this won't do. There's really nothing the matter with you 
that a week's treatment cannot entirely cure. 

Laura. A week? 



20 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

Carey. Yes, if not less. But first, tell me — do you 
wish to be cured — really and truly, honestly and utterly — 
want to be well and strong ? 

Laura. O don't I? 

Carey. And will you do exactly as I tell you? Follow 
out every single one of my instructions to the letter, no 
matter how ridiculous they seem? 

Laura. I'll try — 

Carey. No trying about it. You must do it. 

Laura. But what if I can't? I can't do heavy exercis- 
ing. I'm not very strong and — 

Carey. You can if you will. 

Laura. Very well, then, I will ! 

Carey (holds out hand). On your word and honor? 

Laura (extending hand). On my word and honor. 

Carey. Then listen. Here is my prescription: I want 
you, every half hour regularly — every thirty minutes, mind 
you — to laugh — 

Laura (amazed). Laugh? 

Carey. Yes, laugh — laugh right out loud — heartily and 
freely, no matter whether you feel like it or not. 

Laura. But, doctor, I never laugh. 

Carey. Just what I thought. 

Laura. I haven't laughed in years and years. 

Carey. I can see that. 

Laura. How? 

Carey. Why, you look so — pardon me, but I must tell 
the truth — you look so old, worn-out, wrinkled, sour, glum 
— it isn't nice to say, I know, but a doctor has to give his 
patients, not wdiat they like, but what they need. 

Laura. And the medicine? 

Carey. That's the medicine. 

Laura. What? (Looks around on lounge, etc., to see 
where he has put it.) Where? 

Carey. Why, the laugh? You know the Good Book 
says, "A merry laugh does good like a m.edicine." A modern 
science has discovered remedies more potent than drugs in 
these purely emotional manifestations of physical energy. 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 21 

Why, Mrs. Hanson, laughing is the one and only faculty 
that distinguishes man from the lower animals — our only 
gift in which the poor beast has no share. 

Laura. Wouldn't a — smile — do, once in awhile? 

Carey. Smile between times. Smiling's good ; to "keep 
smiling" is better; but laughing's best. Stop smiling every 
half hour, long enough to laugh. Believe me, it's good for 
v/hat ails you ; and a boost to your very soul, too. 

Laura. But a gushy, snickering, giggling woman is so 
silly and shallow. That sort of thing always disgusts me. 

Carey. You and me both. I don't mean a giggle. That's 
mere affectation and hypocrisy in masquerade costume, 
donned with deliberate intent to deceive and mislead. An 
honest laugh never comes in disguise. I mean, laugh — 
1-a-u-g-h — no substitutes go here. Do you understand? 

Laura. I — guess — so. I am to laugh, every thirty min- 
utes regularly — 

Carey. Every thirty minutes at least As many more as 
you can crowd in. 

Laura. 1 see — whether I feel like it or not 

Carey. Exactly. And remember. "Every sigh is a nail 
driven in your coffin ; every laugh is two drawn out." So 
it's up to you to get busy and pull that coffin to pieces. 

Laura {shuddering) . Oh, I don't want to die! 

Carey. Die? That's a joke! You're good for ninety 
years. 

Laura. Ninety years? 

Carey. A hundred, if you want them. You see, it's this 
way. Your liver's out of order — it's gone on a strike and 
won't work. Hence, it affects your eyes (Laura puts 
hand to eyes, zvonderingly) and makes everything around 
you seem to turn blue. Now, you don't really need glasses — 

Laura (zmth spirit). Of course not! My eyesight is 
perfect. I'm not old. 

Carey. I can only judge by appearances, Mrs. Hanson, 
and a torpid liver makes every woman look like a crab 
apple. 

Laura. A crab apple? 



22 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

Carey. What you need is to loosen up that Hver. What 
will do it? Nothing in all the world will do it so well as a 
laugh. Laugh, woman, laugh ! It's what God made you 
for. Laughter re-creates what the Almighty has started to 
make out of us. Listen : Laugh, Loosens Livers, Lightens 
Loads, Lifts Locked Lips, Leaves Life Lovely. Get the L? 
Or doesn't it sound like L to you? (Waits for her to 
laugh. She looks at him very soberly. He shakes head.) 
What ? No good ? Can't you let it loose ? 

Laura. I don't understand. I'm no anatomist. You're 
the doctor. 

Carey. Well, every laugh goes right to work on that 
liver — increases the action of all the digestinal apparatus, 
clears the atmosphere of the stomach so it can see to attend 
to its business, and then — good-bye, indigestion; good-bye, 
gloom, depression and death! Welcome laughter and life. 
Catch on? Laughter is the best tonic in the laboratory of 
life, and it's cheap, too. Laughter, pure and unadulterated, 
is bottled life — pull the cork and it effervesces. It's more 
exhilarating than champagne, but never intoxicates. You 
must have barrels of it bottled up ift you, seeing you've 
never let any of it out. Pull the stopper and hear it — (jumps 
hack as if startled) — zip — ^boom — fizz — sizzle! No good? 
(Again disappointed that she does not laugh.) Pshaw! 
Well, I'll try again. 

Laura. But — 

Carey. No *'buts." Too late! (Rises.) It may seem 
hard at first — like standing on your head or swinging on a 
trapeze (she looks horrified), but you'll soon get the hang 
of it, and it will come more naturally every day. It's easy 
when you get used to it. 

Laura (dubiously). Maybe. 

Carey. No May bees about it. This is September. And 
I know what I'm talking about. Laugh till you feel the 
funny feeling tingling in the very ends of your toes. Keep 
the laugh in operation till it works 'round to your backbone, 
and puts all the nerves "in tune with the infinite." Then it 
will soak into the blood and become a bubbling fountain 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 23 

of youth and health eternal. And remember, you must take 
the medicine regularly, exactly as prescribed. No wry 
faces. 

Laura. When — must — I — begin ? 

Carey. Immediately. ^ 

Laura {astounded). Today? (Rises.) 

Carey. This minute ! 

Laura. Oh, but I — 

Carey. What ? 

Laura. Why, there isn't a thing to laugh at. I — can't — 

Carey. Must. Just see how easy it is. Watch me. First, 
stretch your mouth — so (demonstrates. Laura makes lu- 
dicrous attempts to imitate him, putting hand to mouth to 
see if it's right, etc.). Pretty good for a beginner, Mrs. 
Hanson. Yes, I call that pretty good work. Next, pull 
up the corners of your mouth. (Laura draivs hers dozvn, 
pulling long face in consternation.) No, no, not down- 
up, up — like a new moon lying on its back. See? (Demon- 
strates. Again Laura attempts to follozv him with ludi- 
crous effect.) Good! Good! You're coming fine, Mrs. 
Hanson. Muscles not regularly used are always hard to 
break in to new exercise, of course ; but we're getting there, 
aren't we? Now for the third step. Let me see. Now, 
what is the very funniest thing you ever heard of in all your 
life? 

Laura. Funny? Why, I don't know. I never do hear 
any -funny things, you know. ' 

Carey. Oh, but you must hear funny things, Mrs. Han- 
son. You can't help it. This is a screamingly funny world, 
chock full of funny people and things. It keeps me laugh- 
ing all the time. When I can't find anything else, I laugh 
at myself. It must be that your education has been sadly 
neglected that you can't see just how immensely funny we 
all are. Come, now, you must have heard something in your 
life, sometime, that seemed funny to you. Think hard. 

Laura (pauses some time, thinking, then ventures, uncer- 
tainly) . Why — there's — this ! 

Carey (looking around). What? 



24 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

Laura. This — er — medicine of yours. It's about the 
funniest thing I ever heard. And, then — er — you. You're 
funny, aren't you? 

Carey. Me ? 

Laura. You said — you laughed at yourself sometimes. 
I thought — you must think you were — er — funny. 

Carey. Maybe so ; maybe so. You never can tell. If 
you think I am, why, then I am! Laugh, at me! Laugh 
hard! {Pause. She holds sober face.) Oh, I am a funny 
thing! I'm the funniest fellow that ever came down from 
the moon. {Holds up finger.) See my finger. Watch it 
wiggle. It's the funniest thing in the world to watch my 
thumb dance the tango — if I could only make you think so! 
Shall I stand on my head? Dance a Dutch clog? Or — or — 
make love to you? I'm the funniest thing in the world 
when I try to make love. There's a little laughing devil in 
my eye — see him? (Goes close to her, opening eyes zvide 
and smiling broadly.) No? Oh, dear! Dear! What stunt 
shall I try next ? Presto Chango ! Watch the man turn into 
a monkey! {Turns a cart tvheel, somersaidt, handspring or 
any preferred ''stunt!' Rises and bozvs lozv, performer, 
style, hand on heart. While performing — ) 

Enter Norah, C. 

NoRAH. The blissid saints persarve me! {Holds up 
hands in ama::ement, mouth and eyes wide open.) Sure, 
it's a crazy man the feller's afth.er bein'. This is no place 
for a dacent Oirish girl, at all, at all! {Backs out C. in 
terror.) 

Laura. Are you — real, Dr. Carey? 

Carey. The realest kind of a real. Why? 

Laura. I — I — I was afraid I had gone out of my head, 
and was — • 

Carey. Seeing things eh ? That's a good one ! No, I'm 
the real thing, Mrs. Hanson, and I'm going to make you 
laugh — not because I tell you to, but because you can't help 
it. Understand ? 

Laura. I — guess — so. 

Carey. Think and think and think what a funny fellow 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 25 

I am, and how much I make you laugh, and then open your 
mouth wide — and let it out big — ha, ha, ha! {Demon- 
strates. Laura attempts to imitate with ludicrous results. 
He eyes her critically.) Not very good. Better than noth- 
ing, of course; but — if I'm not any funnier than that, I 
must be a — chestnut ! Nothing doing for me in the comedy 
roles. Come, Mrs. Hanson. Life is a joke — a huge joke — 
whether it's on us or the other fellow ; and when we can see 
it — well, then, it isn't on us. -We have to laugh at the funny, 
funny world, and its funny, funny people, to keep that same 
world and its people from laughing at us — see? And if 
they do laugh at us — why, if we laugh zvith them, the joke 
isn't on us, after all ! We can make them laugh with us, if 
we try. 

"Laugh, and the world laughs with you — 

Mope, and you dope alone!" 

And Pope says: 

'Laugh at your friends, and if your friends are sore. 
So much the better, you may laugh the more." 
Got res^^d for another try? (She hangs head, looking very 
hopeless.) Oh, come now. I know you can do better than 
you did the last time. Come, now, laugh with me. One, 
two, three — go ! Ha, ha, ha ! 

Laura (tamely). Ha, ha, ha! 

Carey (heartily). Ha, ha, ha! 

Laura (a little better, but still very hollow and mirthless). 
Ha, ha, ha! 

Carey. Better, but — let's have another. Ha, ha, ha! 

Laura (bravely and ridiculously trying her best). Ha, 
ha, ha! (Continue ad. lib., being careful not to overdo it.) 

Carey (clapping hands). Good! Good! You'll do, all 
right, all right. 

Enter Jimmie and Gay, hastily, C. 

JiMMiE (coming doivn to them in alarm). For heaven's 
sake, what's wrong, Laura? Hysterics? • 

Gay (following, greatly zvorried). Is she delirious, 
doctor ? 



26 THE LAUCxHTNG CURE. 

Carey. Not a bit of it ! Ha, ha, ha ! Isn't that a funny 
idea, Mrs. Hanson? Let's laugh about it — ha, ha, ha! Good! 
Good! Just a dose of medicine, Mason — the-get-well-quick 
remedy. Don't you see? My prescription, if you please, 
and it's working already. 

JiMMiE {puzzled, hut relieved). Prescription? 

Gay. Medicine? Some kind of liquor? You don't mean 
she's — er — intoxicated ? I don't think it would be right to — 

Carey. Nothing of the kind. Just my own personal pre- 
scription. Dose, one good laugh, regularly, every thirty 
minutes. 

Jimmie. Oho! I see! Gee! That's corking ! She's what 
you might call a Laughophone. Ha, ha, ha! 

Gay. Laughophone? How funny! Ha, ha, ha! 

Laura {making zvry face, in all seriousness). It's no 
laughing matter. 

Carey. No ? I thought you and I had agreed that it was. 
Laugh, please. 

Jimmie {holding sides) . Oh, dear! Oh, dear! I shall die, 
I know I shall ! Just hold that grin till I get my kodak. Sis. 
Wouldn't it be a corker to go on the international record 
as 'The Only Living Freak in Captivity! — The Lady Who 
Laughs to Order! — Dose, One Laugh Every Thirty Min- 
utes!" 

Carey. And you'll see she takes it, won't you — both of 
you? 

Jimmie. Sure, we will! We'll be nurses, always on the 
job to administer the pill! Ha, ha, ha! 

Gay. Or the powder ! That's what explodes ! Ha, ha, ha ! 

Carey. You see, Mrs. Hanson, how funny they think it 
is. It's the best joke of the season. Let's all laugh. Come 
on, everybody — one, two, three — go! {Takes pencil from 
pocket and steps hack, waving it as a haton, while the others 
line up in front, Jimmie and Gay on each side of Laura, 
holding her hands. Laugh ad. lih. When audience is in 
a roar — ) 

Quick Curtain. 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 27 



Act II. 



Scene: Same as Act I. Quick, lively music at rise of 
curtain. Lights on full throughout act. Pause. 

Enter Gay, C, ivith vase of white flozvers. 

Gay {reading card tied to flozvers). "With Mrs. M, E. 
Perry's sympathy and saddest anticipations." Humph! 
Wonder what she means. And tied with black ribbon, too. 
Looks Hke a funeral. {Puts vase on mantel, stepping hack 
to note effect. Shakes head, zvalks hack and changes it to 
other side of mantel. Steps hack, holding head first one 
side and then the other. Shakes head, finally going to 
bouquet on center table and drazving out a bright red blos- 
som, zvhich she places in center of zvhite. Walks dozjun, 
thoiightfidly, suddenly giving a hearty laugh, as — 
Enter Jimmie, C. Comes dozvn behind her. 

JiMMiE. Having a vaudeville all by your lonesome? 
{She looks back oz'er shoulder zvith grimace.) Sounds good 
to me, Gay — so gay and sweet. But tell me the joke, won't 
you, so I can laugh, too? 

Gay. No joke at all — that is, nothing new. I just hap- 
pened to think how utterly ridiculous Laura did look this 
morning when she was taking her laughing lesson, and then 
I wondered what Clarke would have to say about it. 

JiMMiE. Poor devil! He's had a — well, a dickens of 
a time lately. 

Gay. Yes, he was a "jolly good fellow" when he was a 
bachelor; but since his marriage he seems to have lost all 
the fun he had in him. 

TiMMiE. Do you think he'll be able to see the joke in 
thfs ? 

Gay {shaking head slozvly). I'm wondering. 
Enter Hanson, R. 

Hanson. Luncheon ready? 

Gay. Nearly. 

Hanson. Did the new doctor call on Laura? {Walks 
fireplace, stands by it.) 



28 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

Gay. Yes. 

Hanson. What did he think of her? 

JiMMiE. Didn't say. 

Hanson. What? Humph! What did she think of him? 

JiMMiE. Same thing. 

Hanson. How is she? 

Gay. We think she's a lot better already, Clarke. 

Hanson. Already? Has he begun treatment? 

JiMMiE. Surest thing you know. No dilly-dally about 
Carey, believe me! He's an old pal of mine at college — 
one of our frat, and they say he's remarkably skillful in 
cases like these. 

Hanson. It is to be hoped so, certainly. 

Gay (enthusiastically). Oh, I just know he'll do her a 
world of good! 

Hanson. What is the nature of his treatment? 

JiMMiE. Well — er — I don't know what he calls it. It's 
decidedly original and up-to-the-minute, but — search me for 
the technical phraseology. What did he call it. Gay? 

Gay. Didn't call it while I was present. Some modern 
discovery, I believe. 

Hanson. Does Laura like it? 

JiMMiE. Why — er — she seemed to. 

Hanson (sighing). Well, poor girl! She has suffered 
long enough. 

JiMMiE (sighing and imitating his tone). And so have 
we all. 

Hanson (turning and walking down to him). Jimmie, 
your heartless attitude toward your poor sister — 

Enter Laura, C. 

Laura. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

Hanson (turning szmftly). Oh, Laura, Laura! What- 
ever is the matter? Are you worse, dear? Tell me — where 
do you feel bad? (Goes to her, supporting her zmth arm 
and trying to lead her tozvard lounge. Speaks very sooth- 
ingly.) Does it hurt dreadfully? 

Laura. Why, no, Clarke. I don't feel bad. And noth- 
ing hurts — at least, not very much. It's my — medicine. 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 29 

Hanson. Medicine? Medicine? What has that fool 
doctor been giving you? {Looks from one to the other in 
alarm.) Jimmie! Gay! What does this mean? Do you 
reaHze that your poor sister is under the influence of some 
miserable dope — or else entirely out of her mind? {Tunis 
to Laura.) Do you know me, dear? Are you sure that you 
know me ? Oh, what a terrible thing it is ! 

Laura. No, no, Clarke. Listen ! It isn't dope — not real 
dope that you swallow — or stick in your arm or anything 
like that. But it is medicine just the same — treatment, the 
doctor calls it — a sort of physical culture, I suppose — 

Jimmie. Emotional culture, Laura. Growing a sense of 
humor in barren soil. 

Laura. What do you mean, Jimmie? Clarke won't un- 
derstand that — any more than I do. (Jimmie throws up 
hands in despair.) It's exercises, Clarke — the prescription 
is, you know ; and I have to do it — one laugh every thirty 
minutes. 

Hanson. Laugh? Laugh? {Looks around group ap- 
pealingly, runs fingers through hair.) . Are you crazy — or 
am I? 

Laura {innocently). I think it must be Dr. Carey, 
Clarke. It's just what he told me, word for word. Isn't it? 
{To Jimmie and Gay.) 

Jimmie {nodding). Word for — 

Gay {nodding). Word. 

Hanson. To laugh? {They all nod.) Just a common, 
ordinary laugh? {They all nod.) Why, how funny! That's 
the strangest — {pause. The humor of it suddenly strikes 
him and he bursts out.) Ha, ha, ha! 

Enter Norah, C. 

Jimmie. I thought you'd catch the drift — ha, ha, ha! 

Gay. It makes me laugh whenever I — ha, ha, ha! 

Laura. If you aren't the craziest — what in the world 
are you all laughing at? You look so -silly — ha, ha, ha! 
(Laughs naturally, then catches herself and stops in amaze- 
ment.) Why, I — I — laughed again, didn't I? 

Jimmie. You sure did, Sis — just as if you meant it. 



30 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

Laura {heivildered m her action). Why, I — didn't 
mean to. You all looked so foolish and funny I just couldn't 
help it. 

Gay. That's the first natural laugh I ever heard Laura 
give. 

JiMMiE. Sounds ripping — eh? 

Hanson (not fully satisfied). Are you perfectly sure 
you are feeling all right, Laura ? Not light-headed, or dizzy, 
or anything like that? 

Laura. Why, of course. 

Hanson. Well, I haven't heard anything so absurd in a 
long, long time. I believe it makes me feel better, too. 
Maybe it will do us all good. 

JiMMiE. Nothing like it. 

NoRAH (zvho has been watching them zmth comical ex- 
pressions of interest and ivonder from archzvay). Sure, an* 
lunch is coolin', mum. 

JiMMiE (starts C). vSure, an' ain't yez foolin', mum? 
(NoRAH puts hands on hips and stares at him disdainfidly. 
He imitates her action exactly. She hacks toward doorway. 
He hacks toward front. She drops hands and clenches right 
fist, starting tozvard him angrily. He imitates. They meet. 
He grasps her right hand zvith his and zvith the left tickles 
her under the chin. She hursts out laughing.) 

JiMMiE (over shoidder). See, Laura, how easy it comes 
with Norah. 

NoRAH (coquettishly). Sure, an' yez would be afther 
makin' a pig squeal wid yez blarney. 

JiMMiE. Like blarney, don't you, Norah. 

NoRAH. It's not mesilf is sayin' a yes or a no, Misther 
Jiminy. It's an impudent broth of a b'ye yez be. 

JiMMiE. Like impudent broths of b'yes, don't you, 
Norah ? 

NoRAH. O'im not a-sayin'. Go long wid yez, now. It's 
not mesilf as has any toime to be afther a-wastin' wid the 
loikes o' yez, an' me lunch — 

JiMMiE (comically, holding hoth her hands). Sure, and 
the lunch — 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 31 

NoRAH. Cooling. {He tickles her under chin, holding 
both hands in one.) Ha, ha, ha! 

JiMMiE. FooHng. {Tickles her in ribs as he releases 
her.) 

NoRAH {as she exits C). Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! 

JiMMiE. Norah's caught it all right. Come, Gay. {Of- 
fers arm to Gay and they exeunt C.) 

Hanson. Come, Laura. {They follow out C, arm in 
arm. If table is in viezv behind curtains they take seats 
about it and pantomime eating.) 

After brief pause, re-enter Jimmie, C, carrying full 
length mirror. 

JiMMiE. Oh, Norah! {Looks back C, calling.) Come 
and help me hang this mirror before I feed my face. Bring 
a chair, please. {Walks dozvn, looking around for place to 
Jiang it.) Go on with your chewing out there. Don't wait 
for me. 

Enter Norah, C, zvith chair. 

JiMMiE. Put it here, Norah. {Motions to place at left 
of archzvay, just opposite fireplace. She places the chair 
and stands zvith hands on hips, zvatching him. He clitnbs on 
chair and busies himself hanging mirror.) 

Norah. Sure, an' what is it yez be afther a-wantin' 
o' me? 

JiMMiE. I like the looks of you, Norah. {She sniffs, 
starts out.) Wait! Steady the chair for me, won't you, 
while I do the trick? (She obeys.) Listen, Norah. {Drops 
his voice and speaks mysteriously.) We want you to help 
us a little. 

Norah. Sure, now, and ain't I a-doin' that same the 
whole bhssid day o' mine. It's no toime I'm a-wastin' at 
all, at all. 

JiMMiE. True enough, Norah, me darlint. But see here. 
The doctor wants my sister to laugh every half hour. 

Norah. To laugh, is it? Humph! And yez want me to 
be afther a-ticklin' her under the chin and poking her in 
the ribs? 



32 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

JiMMiE. No, no! Nothing of that sort. Just help her 
to remember. That's all. Keep watch of the time, you 
know, and tell her when its time for a dose. See? 

NoRAH. I see. It's an alarm clock yez want me to be 
afther a-turnin' mesilf into, is it? 

JiMMiE {stepping down). You've got it, Norah. 

'Norah. Sure^ an' that'll be aisy. 

JiMMiE. That's all, then. {She starts to take chair.) 
I'll bring the chair. {Exit Norah, C, follo-zved by Jimmie 
with chair.) 

Pause. Enter Mrs. Perry, R. 

Mrs. Perry. I rang twice and couldn't get an answer, 
so I came right in. I'm afraid poor Mrs. Hanson must be 
Yery much worse. {Looks all around.) Nobody home? 
Humph ! Well, I'll sit down and wait. Perhaps the doctor 
is with her. {Laughter out C.) There they are, eating, 
drinking and making merry, while that poor woman is prob- 
ably breathing her last, neglected and forsaken. {Sits chair 
right of table.) It's too cruel! But — {sighs) — that's the 
way of the world. 

Enter Carey, R. Mrs. Perry rises and faces him. 

Carey. How do you do, madam? 

Mrs. Perry. How do you do, sir? Are you — oh, you 
can't be the undertaker? 

Carey. Undertaker? Great Scott, no! At least, I never 
undertake anything I can't finish. Why? What made you — 

Mrs. Perry. Oh, I feared poor, dear Mrs. Hanson was 
dead — 

Carey. Dead? Why? What has happened? Accident? 

Mrs. Perry. Why, no; not that I've heard. But I saw 
her this morning and she was certainly dying if ever a 
woman was. 

Carey. Must have seen her after I did, then, madam, 
for she was a mighty lively corpse w^hen I left — 

Mrs. Perry. You? Then you are — 

Carey. Dr. Carey, at your service. 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 33 

Mrs. Perry. Then my impression was right. She is 
worse. They haz'e called a consultation. 

Carey. Not on your life! No consultation for mine. 
I'm the one and only — 

Mrs. Perry. You don't mean they've discharged Old 
Whitcomb ? 

Carey (zvith dignity). ''Old Whitcomb," as you are 
pleased to call him, is my uncle — a most estimable and effi- 
cient practitioner. I am attending this case under his in- 
structions. 

Mrs. Perry. I — er — I ask your pardon, I'm sure, doc- 
tor, I— 

Carey {walks up to fireplace). Oh, don't mention it. 

Mrs. Perry (follows hitn, speaking mysteriously) . Why? 
Is it a secret? I thought there was something not just right 
about Mrs. Hanson. Is she — 

Enter Hanson and Laura, C. Walk down. 

Laura. Ha, ha, ha! 

Mrs. Perry. O listen! She's out of her head, isn't she? 
Is she — dangerous? 

Laura. There's Mrs. Perry, Clarke. I'm afraid site — 

Enter Jimmie and Gay, C. Walk down. 

JiMMiE. Leave the old lady to me, Sis, (Walks up to 
fireplace, and engages Mrs. Perry in conversation, while 
Carey zvalks dozmi. Mrs. Perry sits in front of fireplace, 
Jimmie stands at her right.) 

Hanson (meets Carey, C, zvhile Laura and Gay sit 
lounge). Well, doctor, I'm glad to meet you. 

Carey (shaking hands). Here, too, Mr. Hanson. (They 
zvalk dazvn tozmrd ladies.) I just dropped in to see how 
my patient was obeying instructions. (Looks zvatch.) Time 
to laugh, Mrs. Hanson, 

Laura. O I've taken one good dose this time, haven't I, 
Clarke? 

Carey. Good for you ! vSwell dope, ain't it ? Was it very 
bitter ? 

Laura. Why, no ! Not half so bad as I expected. 



34 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

Carey. Nothing on earth is ever half so bad as we ex- 
pect. 

"From the day you are born, till you rid6 in the hearse, 

There is nothing so bad but it might have been worse !" 
Trouble, you know, always comes butt-end first, so we get 
much the worst of it as we watch it on its way. The other 
end tapers out to a fine point, and, at the very end, explodes 
in a laugh ! The biggest troubles in Hfe are all in the mind, 
and never really get born into being. Laugh, — and lo ! they 
vanish, as if by magic — go up in the vapor of your breath, 
you see! 

Hanson. Is that — scientific? 

Carey. Just plain horse sense, Hanson. {They walk to 
table, stand by it — Hanson behind it, Carey at L.) 

LIanson {nodding to Laura, confidentially). How did 
you ever manage to do it? 

Carey. Well, her first giggle was like pulling a wisdorh 
tooth ; it came mighty hard, for the root went down deep 
into the bone. But, after that gruesome noise got past her 
teeth, the next wasn't so painful — either for her or me ; and 
it has kept on getting easier until now, I see, she laughs 
right out— almost as though she liked it. 

Hanson {looking across at her). It seems Hke a miracle. 

Carey. There's hope for her, all right, Hanson. When 
the heart gets so full of real, living fun that it bubbles out 
at the Hps in spite of her, there's never any room left for 
dyspeptic difficulties. Man, it's the discovery of the age — • 
the salvation of the world! {Turns to face front.) There's 
no drug in all the world's laboratories to equal in true reme- 
dial potency the magic quintessence of a spontaneous laugh ! 

JiMMiE. Big words, fellow ! 

Laura {uncertainly). But when there isn't anything to 
laugh at — 

Gay. Then laugh because there isn't ! That would be a 
joke on the doctor, wouldn't it? 

Carey. Sure ! Instead of worrying because you can't 
find anything to worry about, laugh because you can't find 
anything to laugh about ! 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 35 

Hanson. I'll take you to a musical comedy tonight, 
Laura. 

Carey (turning to him). Heavens, no! not that! I want 
her to laugh! 

JiMMiE. Come over, Sister, and "show toofies" for the 
lady. (Laura rises, crosses to Jimmie and Mrs. Perry. 
Carey sits lounge ivith Gay.) 

Mrs. Perry. Your brother says you are trying a new 
treatment. 

Laura. Just began this morning. 

Mrs. Perry. Dear me ! Have you any faith in all these 
new-fangled fads and fandangoes? 

Laura. I don't know as I have. But if they are harm- 
less, they can't injure you; and when a woman feels as badly 
as Ldo, she gets to a place where she is willing to try almost 
anything to get relief. 

Mrs. Perry. I suppose so, poor soul! But — I wouldn't 
run any risks, if I was you. A woman in your condition — 
{shakes head sadly, shaking her bonnet so that it hangs over 
one ear. Laura laughs loudly.) 

Hanson (zvhirls to look at her with expression of sur- 
prise and pleasure). Why what — 

Gay (looking up from her conversation with Carey). 
What is it? 

Laura (looking apologetically at Mrs. Perry.) I don't 
think I know. I — er — just couldn't help it. 

Gay (to Carey). That's the second time she couldn't 
help it. 

Carey. Hurrah for us ! 

Mrs. Perry. High strikes, that's what it^is, nothing else! 
(Carey laughs. She glares at him.) Is the man a down- 
right fool? 

Carey. Better a laughing fool than a sighing sage ! The 
joker always takes the trick. 

Mrs. Perry (turning to Hanson). I wouldn't trust tb.al 
doctor with the case a minute, Mr. Hanson. Of course, yon 
didn't ask my opinion, but — I'm not charging you a cent foj- 



36 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

it. The woman's losing her mind. There's no question 
about it. (Walks R.) 

Hanson. Thank yOu, Mrs. Perry, but I feel quite well 
satisfied with the doctor's methods. 

Mrs. Perry. Humph! (Holds out hand to Laura). 
Well, good-bye, Mrs. Hanson. May the good Lord look 
after you. These folks won't! (Glares at the group, as she 
exits, R., in great dignity.) 

Carey. Don't you care, Mrs. Hanson. Remember, she 
whose laugh lasts, laughs best. (Turns to Gay, zvho sits by 
him on lounge. Hanson talks to Laura and Jimmie, at 
fireplace.) Look here, gay lady, or Lady Gay, has that 
young fellow (nodding toward Jimmie) really and irrev- 
ocably got a mortgage on you ? 

Gay. Nothing doing! 

Carey. He seems to think he has. 

Gay. Just his taking way ! 

Carey. Give me leave to butt in ? 

Gay. The idea! The fellow that needs — 

Carey (taking her hand). I get you ! 

Gay (drazving hand away). Not yet! 

Carey (nodding with assurance). But soon! 

Hanson (turns from group and faces front). Well, I 
must, get back to the office. 

Carey (rising). I'll go with you, Hanson. I'd Hke to 
talk the case over a little with you. (Turns to Laura.) 
Don't forget your laughs, Mrs. Hanson. You're looking a 
year younger since morning. Liver's waking up! Health 
is in your reach. As the kids say: 
''Grab it! Nab it! 
^ Get the laughing habit !" 
It is magic in its power — a nectar of soul that charms away 
all evils and performs all miracles. (Looks watch.) 

Laura. What time is it? 

Carey. Laughing time! 

Laura. Is it ? Dear me ! What can I laugh at this time ? 

Jimmie. Try Mrs. Perry's bonnet! 

Laura. That was funny, — ^^ha, ha, ha ! 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 37 

Hanson. Pretty good for you. 

Carey. Try again, and we'll all help you ! (All laugh as 
Hanson and Carey exeunt, R.) 

JiMMiE {looks watch). Gee ! I must be off, too ! 

Gay. You are — decidedly ! 

JiMMiE. What? 

Gay {tapping head significantly) . Nobody home! 

JiMMiE {in mock despair). This from you, Gay? {Com- 
ically). Good night! {Exits C.) 

Gay. Jimmie's what Kipling would call "most 'scruciat- 
ing silly!" Jimmie sticks head in, C. 

JiMMiE. Come and help me find my hat. Gay. 

Gay {comically). Good night! {Exits. Jimmie zvith- 
drazvs. ) 

Laura. I don't seem to feel any great loosening up of 
my liver! {Feels all over chest.) Where is my liver, any- 
way? Dear me, where is it? Maybe I haven't any! 
Maybe it's all dried up and blown away! O I wonder if 
it has ! That would be a joke on — somebody — sure ; but 
who? I must get to practicing that laugh! I simply can't 
manage it, somehow! {Goes to mirror, and grimaces.) Let 
me see. First, stretch my mouth — so ! Then, turn the cor- 
ners up — so — no, that doesn't look right — this way. No, 
that doesn't look a bit like Dr. Carey! This way — that's 
better ! 

Enter Norah, C. Attempts to speak, but sees the face 
Laura is making and stares at her a little, finally hacking 
out, frightened. 

Laura. Now, what next? Fix the mind on something 
funny — Dr. Carey, I suppose, for he is funny, I don't doubt ; 
at any rate, he thinks he is. Then, open the mouth wide 
{demonstrates, several attempts) and let it out. Now, let 
me see! My! it's hard! {Speaks without spirit or accent, 
as if by rote.) Oh! what a funny fellow Dr. Carey is! 
Ha, ha, ha! {Tries the laugh, over and over.) 

Re-enter Norah, R. Pantomime as before. Finally 
speaks, with comical gesture. 



38 . THE LAUGHING CURE. 

NoRAH. Begorra, now! It's a tee-hee's nest she's been 
afther a-foindin', wid a hull dozen an' two o' them haw- 
haw's eggs insoide it! (Throws up hands and exits, R., in 
terror.) Not for Norah, at all, at all! 

Laura (not seeing her at all). It doesn't sound just 
right, somehow, and I simply can't make it. Ha, ha, ha. 
(Laugh continued in various keys, ad. lib.) 

Enter Kitty, R. 

Kitty. Norah didn't dare announce me, she said. Why, 
what in the world are you doing, Mrs. Hanson? 

Laura (turning, in embarrassment). Oh! Why, Kitty 
Clyde, where'd you come from? 

Kitty. Office! Mr. Hanson sent me to tell you it was 
time to laugh, but I see I don't need to tell you. 

Laura. No, I — was practicing! 

Kitty. I see. (Walks lounge.) They're having great 
fun at the office about you. 

Laura (walks lounge to meet her). About me? 

Kitty. Should say so. 

Laura. But I don't understand. (Sits lounge, motions 
Kitty to chair.) 

Kitty (sits). Nothing very subtle about it. You see, 
Mr. Hanson was so tickled over the doctor's treatment 
(giggles) that he couldn't keep it to himself. It wouldn't 
be right, now, would it? Such a perfectly good joke going 
to waste ! 

Laura. I suppose not. 

Kitty. Why don't you laugh about it then ? 

Laura. Thank you, I will — ha, ha, ha ! 

Kitty. That isn't the way we all laughed at the office 
when Mr. Hanson told us. We were fairly tickled to 
pieces. Jack Benson said he'd better give you some laugh- 
ing gas. (Both laugh.) Then Charlie White asked Mr. 
Hanson what he'd pay a fellow an hour to come over and 
tickle you in the ribs. 

Laura. Tickle me in the ribs ? The idea ! 

Kitty. Why, it was a joke, Mrs. Hanson. Laugh! 

Laura. I see. (They both laugh.) 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 39 

Kitty. Westly Reed wanted to know if you were from 
England. 

Laura (bezvildered) . England? Why? 
Kitty. Why, they never see a joke over there without 
a microscope. 

Laura. Never see a joke? But what of — O I see! 
That's funny, too, isn't it? (Both laugh. From this on, 
Laura^s laughs come more easy and natural, the treatment 
evidently taking effect.) 

Kitty. The office boy advised Mr. Hanson to have you 
read "Pigs is Pigs" or "David Harum," and go to the vaude- 
ville ; but — well, that sort of thing wouldn't make me laugh. 
I told Sam — that's the office boy — that if he'd come over 
and just stick himself up against the wall, or in a corner, 
that you'd have a standing joke. 

Laura. A standing joke? (Pause, thinking it out.) 
O I see! He would stand up, and he's a joke! 

Kitty. Exactly. How soon you see the point! Well, 
Jack Benson's wife came in to stump Jack for some coin, 
and of course, she had to hear it all. She thought it was 
the funniest thing she'd ever heard. So by this time, it's 
.all over town. (Laughs.) 

Laura. Dear me ! is that funny, too ? 
Kitty. I don't know. It rather tickled my funny-bone. 
But you are just as funny as funny can be, you dear thing, 
and you don't know what a deliciously funny thing you 
are. (Leaves chair and sits lounge, hugging Laura). 
Laura. Am I a joke, too? 

Kitty. Not a joke. Just dear and lovely, and quite too 
funny! Better than the 'Newly- Weds in the Funny. Let's 
laugh! (They both laugh.) 
Enter Gay and Jimmie, C. Jimmie has bunch of violets. 

Kitty {jumping up). Jimmie, as I live! Excuse_ me, 
while I give vent to "a long, low whistle of surprise!" 
(Whistles.) Whew! 

Jimmie. Clarke said you were here, old girl, so I brought 
you the flowers for the, hop tonight. 



40 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

Kitty. Violets ? How lovely ! ( Takes them and smells 
them.) And there's still a little dew on them! 

JiMMiE {dropping head). Yes, there is; but I'm going 
to pay it tomorrow ! But how'd you know ? Did that con- 
founded florist send the bill "concealed within"? {Turns 
to Gay.) 

Kitty. Jimmie, be decent. Excuse nle while I nurse 
my jealous rage in sullen silence. Who's the girl? 

Jimmie {leading Gay to Kitty). Just Gay! 

Kitty. I see! Well, don't get too gay with my, Jimmy! 
He's no good, in all the world — ^but I kind of like him! 
(.Pins violets in belt.) 

Gay {sits lounge by Laura). Your property is in no 
danger, Kitty, I assure you. Nobody but yourself could 
ever have taken pity on him! 

Kitty. Excuse me while I indulge in a "low, mirthless 
laugh." {Laughs.) 

Laura. O is it time to laugh? Ha, ha, ha! 

Jimmie. Is that the best you can do? {She laughs again, 
more heartily.) We are going to star you in our new drama 
as Minnehaha, Laughing Water, Sis ! 

Gay. Make it "Laurahaha!" 

Kitty. Laughing Laura! 

Enter Mrs. Perry, R. 

Mrs. Perry. I couldn't go back home, Mrs. Hanson, 
without letting you know what everybody on the street is 
saying about you. Are you really letting that fool doctor — 

Laura {rising). I don't know what you are saying, Mrs. 
Perry. 

Mrs. Perry. Why, you're the talk of the town ! 

Laura. Already ? 

Mrs. Perry. Yes ; and every time your name is men- 
tioned, they laugh. Do you want to be a laughing stock to 
the whole community? 

Laura. Why, I don't mind. If they need to laugh as 
badly as I did ! 

Mrs. Perry. What? 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 41 

Laura. I mean it. While they are laughing at me, 
they're letting you rest. 

Mrs. Perry. Well, all I can say is, if you want to make 
a fool of yourself by stretching your mouth from ear to ear, 
you can; but as for me, I'm a respectable woman, I am, 
and I don't propose to make a monkey of myself — 

JiMMiE (out of patience). No need, Madam! Nature 
has done the trick for you. 

Mrs. Perry. Sir? 

Enter Norah, C. 

NoRAH. A note for yez, mum ! 

Laura. Thank you! (Takes and reads.) ''Dear Laura: 
Time to laugh !" Dear me, how funny ! Ha, ha, ha ! 

Kitty. Isn't Mr. Hanson the Hmit? Ha, ha, ha! 

Jimmie. Limit is right, ha, ha, ha! 

Gay. And then some, ha, ha, ha ! 

Norah (backing tozvard C.) Sure, and it's bughouse 
this hull bunch is, begorra, but it's mesilf as loikes it, jist — 
ha, ha, ha! (Exits C.) 

Mrs. Perry. Humph! (Exits R. in great disdain.) 

Kitty. Excuse me while I wipe the burning tears from 
my dewy orbs. (Wipes eyes on handkerchief.) 

Jimmie. Don't cry Kitty. I do love you most to death, 
honest I do! 

Kitty. Ah ! your words make me happy, Jimmy-boy. I 
feared you had deserted me. You flood my heart with joy. 
(Turns to Laura.) I mustn't forget to tell you what Jeff 
said — Jeff Whitney, you know. He said, "Gee, Clarke, 
don't let her keep that up too long. It's 'laugh and grow 
fat,' you know, and if she sticks to it till she gets up a 
250-pound bulk, you'll have some armful!" That's what 
he said, and just the way he said it. The best of it is that 
his wife is a heavy-weight! (All laugh.) 

Gay. But you haven't got all the variations on the laugh, 
Laura. You know they claim a woman's laugh, goes in 
"Four Fits." 

Laura. It seems to be giving everybody fits! 

Gay. There's the "Ho, ho, ho" of amusement ; the "Ha. 



42 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

ha, ha!" of ridicule; the *'Hoo, hoo, hoo!" of the man- 
seeker; and the "He, he, he!" of the woman in love. 

Laura. Do I have to practice them all ? 

Kitty. Sure thing! 

Gay. Try them, Laura. Begin with a "Ho, ho, ho!" 

Laura (after several grimaces). How do you fix your 
mouth ? 

Kitty (pursing up lips in O). Like this! 

JiMMiE (making for her, as she hacks off). Look out, 
Kitty! 'Taint fair to tempt a man beyond what he's de- 
cently able to stand. 

Kitty (pushing him azvay). Be good, Jimmie! (Sits 
chair, head of lounge. Jimmie sits on arm of it.) 

Gay. Try it, Laura. 

Laura. Ho, ho ho ! 

Kitty. That's good! (Jimmie claps hands.) 

Gay. Now, "Hoo, hoo, hoo" — same position ! 

Laura. Hoo, hoo, hoo! 

Jimmie. You, you, you. Sis! I'll vote for you, every 
time! 

Kitty. Now, "He, he, he !" 

Jimmie. That's "Me, me, me!" 

Kitty. Be good, I tell you. I can't help Gay be yellow- 
cution teacher, and a monkey-trainer, too! 

Jimmie. Stung again! 

Gay. Try it, Laura. It's easy! 

Laura. He, he, he! 

Enter Hanson and Carey, R. 

Gay. And enter He, just at the right psychological mo- 
ment ! 

Hanson. How's our Laughing Lady now? 

Carey. And how's her liver? 

Hanson. Fully clothed and in her right voice, I hear. 
And O Laura ! You're the star comedian in a six-reel film ! 
(All rise. Laura and Gay in front of lounge, Kitty and 
Jimmie back at C, Hanson and Carey, R.) 

Laura. How's that? 

Hanson. You're in the spot-light, all right. Listen! 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 43 

I couldn't keep such a good story all to myself, could I? 

JiMMiE. It would be a criminal offense! 

Kitty. Cruelty to animals! 

Hanson. Well, I told my clerks. 

Carey. And they laughed. (All laugh.) 

Hanson. They told their wives! 

Carey. And their wives laughed! (All laugh.) 

Hanson. The wives told their friends! 

Carey. And their friends laughed! (All laugh.) 

Hanson. These friends told their friends ! 

Carey. And their friends lauglied! (All laugh.) 

Hanson. The children begged for a story! 

Carey. And they got it ! 

Hanson. And they're laughing yet ! 

Jimmie. "The little dogs laugh to see such sport," Sis! 
It's a regular merry-go-round of a laugh, eh? 

Laura (dubiously). But are they laughing at me, or 
zvith me? 

Hanson. With — every man, woman and child of them ! 

Carey. "Laugh and the world laughs with you ; weep 
and it laughs at you !" So stick to your regular dose, Mrs. 
Hanson, and have no fear. "It is to laugh," as the French 
say. And — (pauses with comic gesture) isn't it? All the 
world loves a laugher ! It's the spread of the glad gospel ! 
Everybody suddenly sees what a funny world it is. 

Hanson. Yes ! All the people I meet on the street 
begin to laugh as soon as they see me, and ask if you are 
taking your dose of laugh regularly, and if you've had your 
full allowance today. Every one has some funny story to 
send you to "help it on." It's the joke of the season. 

Jimmie. A scream! Why, Laura begins to show a 
sense of humor almost human. And everybody's catch- 
ing it! 

Laura. Who'd ever have thought 'that laughing was 
contagious? (Sits lounge.) 

Carey (crossing to her, follozved by Hanson. Hanson 
sits lounge, Carey chair.) Mercy on us! It's the catchiest 
thing there is ! Mumps and measles can't be listed in the 



44 . . THE LAUGHING CURE. 

same chapter! Why, the laughing microbe is the Hveliest 
bug bacteriology knows. Talk about spreading ! The pesky 
little germs are grandfathers in ten minutes, and every 
blessed one infects an area a mile square. They break out 
in the form of giggles, even to the third and fourth genera- 
tion. Nothing like it ! Keep it up tomorrow, and tomorrow, 
and tomorrow, and when you once really get the habit 
worked into your bones, you never can break it, but will 
have "the laugh that won't rub off !" 

JiMMiE (walks down front, Gay walking to Kitty at 
C. Speaks dramatically) . 

Does your life seem but a bubble? 

Laugh it off! 
Is it stuffed with toil and trouble ? 

Laugh it off! 
Is your liver on a spree? 
Would your stomach like to be? 
Take this little tip from me — 
Laugh it off! 
Carey. Right you are, my boy ! There is no trouble of 
brain or body, that a good, hearty laugh, if persistently 
taken, according to directions, will not cure. Why, don't 
you know, laughter is the life-elixir of the gods? These 
divine beings live on it, feast on it, and bathe in it, bestow- 
ing the overflow in mystic showers of joy upon mortals 
like you and me, to keep us alive and — sane ! 

Gay. And Laura is a different woman already! 
Laura (innocently). Why, no, I'm still Laura Hanson. 
It's not me that's different. It's the rest of the world. I 
didn't like the looks of it this morning, but it looks good 
to me now! 

Carey (rising to shake hands with her). Glory be! 
healed in a day! 

Laura (still piizded). You all seem different to me, 
somehow ! 

Hanson. Of course! We've all been treated with laugh- 
ing-gas — the Carey brand ! 

Laura (to Carey). You told me this morning I was old 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 45 

and wrinkled and sour and dried up — and lots of things 
that weren't nice! 

Carey. That was just a joke! I tell you now that you 
are young and beautiful and sweQt and plump and altogether 
charming ! 

Laura. Is that a joke, too ? 

Carey. Perish the thought! That's heaven's own truth. 
You are glorious ! 

JiMMiE. Clarke, do you stand for this, right before your 
eyes? 

Hanson (innocently). Why, ain't it the truth? (All 
laugh.) 

Enter Norah, R. 

NoRAH. Sure, mum, an' be yez at home? 

Laura. Don't we seem at home? 

Hanson. Very much at home, Norah ! Why? (Laura 
and Hanson rise.) 

Norah. Sure, an' it's that dead woman back again, 
mum — 

JiMMiE. Banquo's ghost! (Crosses to her.) 

Norah. And she's brung the doctor wid her! Shall I 
jist say as yez ain't in, this avenin'? 

Laura. Certainly not ! We are in. Bring them in ! 

Norah. Sure, mum, if it's yersilf as says so! I wouldn't 
let her set one of her two fate in, at all, at all ! 

JiMMiE (tickles her under chin). Norah's the girl with 
the glad hand every time ! (She laughs, and exits, R., laugh- 
ing at JiMMiE over shoidder.) 

Carey (crosses to Jimmie). See here, young fellow, have 
you got a corner on the girl market? 

Jimmie. Nothing doing! Kitty for mine! (Goes to 
Kitty, takes her arm, and saunters with her to position at 
L., behind lounge.) 

Carey. Thanks awfully. (Goes to Gay, takes position 
by fireplace.) 

Gay (coquettishly). You and me, both! 

Enter Norah, R., followed by Dr. Whitcomb and Mrs. 
Perry. 



46 THE LAUGHING CURE. 

NoRAH. Sure, an' yez can be afther a-bringin' yer two 
silves in, doctor! (Exit R.) 

Mrs. Perry. Now, Dr. Whitcomb, you can just see for 
yourself how they are kilhng the poor soul by slow poison. 
It's a regular lunatic asylum turned loose. 

Whitcomb (to Carey, who turns to face him). What's 
this I hear, St. George? Are you murdering my patients 
before I even get started out of town? Mrs. Perry informs 
me that — (looks across, sees Laura, and stops in surprise.) 
Why, Mrs. Hanson, can that be you? (Laura walks 
tozvard them.) 

Carey. She's very much alive yet. Uncle, able to sit up 
and take regular nourishment ; so I'll let her speak for 
herself ! 

Whitcomb (examines her critically). Well, you've cer- 
tainly got me beat! You look as young and pretty as one 
of these girls — blessed if you don't! 

Carey (to Laura). What was I just telling you? Laugh- 
ing — in big doses — is the best beauty dope on the market. 
Regularly applied, both internally and externally, I guar- 
antee it to remove every wrinkle from both brow and brain. 
(Mrs. Perry sniffs disdainfully.) 

Whitcomb. How about it, Mrs. Hanson? 

Laura. I never felt so well in my life, Dr. \\'hitcomb. 
(Mrs. V^ewry gasps.) 

Whitcomb. What have you done to her, boy? 

Carey. Nary a do ! She's done it all herself ! 

Jim M IE. And you can see how it has re-acted on the 
whole — ahem ! — family ! 

Whitcomb. A lightning cure! These modern methods 
are — ■ 

JiMMiE. Speedy! You bet! Come, Kitty! Us for the 
light fantastic! (Grasps her for a waits, and whirls out 
to C.) 

Carey (to Gay). Come, Lady Gay— it's follow suit or 
lay down your hand! (Joins with Gay in waif::;.) 

Hanson. We're as young as any of them, eh Laura? 



THE LAUGHING CURE. 47 

Laura. Younger! Just one day old! (They join the 
waits.) 

Whitcomb. Well, I'll be — ^blessed! (Looks all around. 
Grabs Mrs. Perry, zvho protests z'igorously, kicking and 
pulling^ to no avail. He zvaltces her zvith the rest.) Come, 
madam, quick ! My- old feet won't stand for this! (Music 
iiiay start in with Jimmie's first move, or the men may 
zcJiisfle a zvalt:; air in unison. After a turn or tzvo — ) 

Enter Norah, C. 

NoRAH. Sure, an' ain't it toime to be afther a-laughin'? 
(All stop, and take positions around sides, Hanson and 
Laura, front; Whitcomb and Mrs. Perry, back; Carey 
and Gay, L.; Jimmie and Kitty, R.) 

Hanson (looks zvatch). Just! (All laugh.) And we'll 
be the Laughing Family forever after ! 

Carey. That's worth a good one! Surely, laughter is 
the vibration of angel voices coming down to us over the 
telephone wires that stretch from heaven to earth. It's the 
one magnetic line that connects us with eternal joy. Mrs. 
Perry, get on the line ! Take down the receiver, and be 
human ! Aren't you glad to be alive ? 

Mrs. Perry. Why, I — I — I don't know but I am! 
(Sni iles, sheepishly. ) 

Whitcomb. Shake on it! (They shake hands.) 

Carey. Then laugh, woman, laugh! Watch your years 
and tears drop off like withered leaves and make up your 
mind to be somebody. I'd rather be a monkey than a don- 
key. (She laughs loudly — all clap hands.) Good! Good! 
He who laughs most laughs best. So let's all swell the 
chorus! One, two, three — ready, go! (All laugh.) Now 
again! (Laugh.) Again! (Continue ad. lib. and hold 
picture for — ) 

Curtain. 



By Way of the Secret Passage 

By LINDSEY BARBEE. 

Price 25 Cents 

Comedy-drama in 3 acts; 1 male, 11 females. The character 
of John Harvey can easily be assumed by a girl if it is not de- 
sirable to have a man in the cast. Time, 1% hours. Scene: 1 
interior. Characters: Mrs. Sherman, the hostess. Betty Drew, 
her niece. Ruth, Alice and Rita, guests. Hannah, a maid. 
Madame Drew, of revolutionary days. Annette, Caroline and 
Elizabeth, her daughters. Wenonah, an Indian maid. John Har- 
vey, of the Patriot army, 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — B'etty's engagement dance on Christmas night. The por- 
trait of Mrs. Elizabeth Drew. Betty's great-great-grandmother. 
The story of Mistress Elizabeth's romantic career. Ghosts of the 
happy pair haunt the room each Christmas night. Rita falls 
asleep in a chair and dreams a dream. 

Act II. — Scene I — The dream of long ago. John Harvey gains 
an interview with his lady love. The secret mission is made 
known to Mistress Elizabeth and the marked chart is put into 
her hands. Shots, pursuit and the secret passage. Scene II — 
Where is Elizabeth? The mysterious tapping. Elizabeth makes 
a dramatic entrance and brings astounding news. 

Act III. — Rita awakes. Betty's puzzling absence is discussed. 
Another mysterious tapping. "He's waiting for me — at the end 
of the secret passage, the same as in the long, long ago!" 

Abbu San of Old Japan 

By WALTER BEN HARE. 

Price 25 Cents 

Comedy-drama in 2 acts; 15 females. Time, about 2 hours. 
Scene: A simple interior. Characters: Abbu San, daughter of 
his majesty. Duchess Fuji-no. Lady Yu-giri, Mist of the Even- 
ing. O Matsuka San and O Kiku San, maids of honor. Ohano, 
wife of the bandit chief. Natsu-no, liostess of the inn "Million 
Welcomes." Okuku, sister of the Ox, a porter at the inn. Umi, 
Sada and Yasa, peasant maids. Henrietta Dash, an American 
newswriter. Aunt Paradise, a black mammy. Madam Masago, 
manager of the players. Ono, her maid of all work. 

An absolute novelty in play construction, bristling with inci- 
dents and sparkling with comedy. The play is presented after 
the fashion of "The Yellow Jacket," the stage hands changing 
scenery in full view of the audience and the manager explaining 
the action and introducing the different characters from her seat 
at the side. The star part is particularly suited to the tempera- 
ment of a pretty little ingenue, the cliaracters of Fuji-no and 
Mist of the Evening call for heavy and effective dramatic work 
and old Aunt Paradise who longs for "ole Virginny" is a comedy 
creation of especial note. Dances and song numbers from Mi- 
kado are called for by the text but these may be given or not at 
the pleasure of the manager. A picturesque and very effective 
dramatic entertainment with a distinct plot that will interest and 
amuse any audience. Suitable for schools, colleges, clubs or 
churches. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Given 



Winning Widow, 2 acts, 11/2 hrs. 

(25c) ,. 2 4 

Women Who Did, 1 hr...(25c) 17 

Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 

FARCES, COiMEDIETAS, Etc. 

All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 

April Fools, 30 min 3 

Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 

Billy's Mishap, 20 min 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 

Borrowing Trouble, 20 min 3 5 

Case Against Casej% 40 min... 23 

Country Justice, 15 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 

Divided Attentions, 35 min 1 4 

Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min.... 4 2 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 
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Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
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Hans Von Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 

I'm Not Mesilf at All, 25 min. 3 2 
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Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

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Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 

Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent. 30 m. 3 2 

My Wife's Relations, 1 hr. . . . 4 6 

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Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 

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Regular Fix, 35 min 6 4 

Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 

Shadows, 35 min 2 2 

Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 7 

Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 

Taming a Tiger, 30 min 3 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Those Red Envelopes, 25 min. 4 4 
Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 
Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min . . 8 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min.. 3 2 

Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 

Wanted a Hero, 20 min 1 1 



M. F. 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrorig Baby, 25 min 8 

Yankee Peddler, 1 hr 7 3 

VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, IMON- 
OLOGUES, ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. 

Ax'in' Her Father, 25 min.... 2 3 
Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.lO 
Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 

Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 

Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 2 
Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 1 
Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 
Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m.l4 

Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 1 

Darktown Fire Brigade, 25 min. 10 

Doings of a Dude, 20 min 2 1 

Dutch Cocktail, 20 min 2 

For Reform, 20 min 4 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 2 1 
Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. 1 1 
Good Momin' Judge, 35 min. . 9 2 

Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 

Home Run, 15 min ,. . 1 1 

iumbo Jum, 30 min 4 3 
.ittle Red School House, 20 m. 4 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 

Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 

Memphis Mose, 25 min 5 1 

Mischievous Nigger, 25 min.. 4 2 

Mistaken Miss, 20 min 1 1 

Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min 1 1 

Oh, Doctor! 30 min 6 2 

One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 
Oshkosh Next Week, 20 min . . 4 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 

Pete Yansen's Curl's Moder, 10m. 1 

Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 

Pooh Bah of Peacetown, 35 min. 2 2 
Prof. Black's Funnygraph, 15 m. 6 

Sham Doctor, 10 min 4 2 

Si and I, 15 min 1 

Special Sale, IS min 2 

Stage Struck Darky, 10 min.. 2 1 
Sunny Son of Italy, IS min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 
Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 
Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 

Umbrella Mender, IS min 2 

Uncle Jeff, 25 min 5 2 

What Happened to Hannah, 15ni. 1 1 



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A Partial List 

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All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
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From six to eleven years of age. 
Country School Dialogues. 

Brand new, original. 
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Thirteen selections. 
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Over 50,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
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Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Original successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, original. 





018 348.6«„l 



i.iuious, descriptive, prose, 
poetry. 15 Nos., per No. 25c 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children f roni 6 to 1 1 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

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The Boys' Entertainer. 

Jilonologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
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Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Sunday Schools. 

Dialogues, exercises, recitation.s. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 

Entirely original features. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Private Theatricals. 

How to put on plays. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel: for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black American Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches,. etc. 
Laughland,vla the Ha-Ha Route. 

A rnerry trip for fun tourists. 
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All about the business. 
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Funny stones, jokes, gags, etc. 

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